I am confused and angry. My husband, whom I met and dated for three years before we had a church wedding, has abandoned me. As it is, I am pregnant, due to deliver in four months’ time. My marriage lasted only a few days. I had resigned from my job so that I could join him in Atlanta where he was based. I have learned that he went abroad with another woman a week after he abandoned me. Why did he leave? He did not give me a reason. What will I do now? I am broke, alone, disappointed and far from my friends. Do I abort this baby? I can’t bear this anymore. I am ashamed to go back home to my parents. What will I tell them? It hurts so much.

Hello,

I sincerely empathise with you, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling. What has happened to you is unfair and unethical. When something like this happens, one is bound to ask many questions: ‘Why did I not see it coming?’ ‘How could I be so naive and blind?

An even bigger problem comes about when you start giving the wrong answers to your questions. No doubt, right now you are feel disappointed and betrayed and deeply wounded. The truth is that disappointment is a difficult emotion to deal with, one that has the potential to unearth unrelated situations that ignite your disappointment.

Realise this, first, your hurt will take time to heal. Second, blame games and finger pointing will only make the wound more infectious. Third, acknowledging the hurt is one way of starting the journey to wholeness.

As you chew on this, do all you can to avoid isolating yourself. You say that you are far away from your friends having relocated to Nairobi – you need them right now, so reach out to them, call them and tell them what happened and how you’re feeling. You also say that you are embarrassed about the prospect of returning to your parents’ home, however, you need taking care of now, you also have no source of income at the moment having resigned, so you need to clamp down on this disappointment, and if need be, return home.

It is said that while it is impossible control symptoms of anger and disappointment that come our way, we can develop an inner mechanism that counteracts their influence and impact on us.

Being angry, disappointed and feeling helpless is a common response for people dealing with a traumatic event in their lives. The anxiety and fear you feel needs to be acknowledged but handled with care, therefore, take time to wallow in your pain but don’t allow it to drag you down. As you work through your pain, label the feelings and learn to speak about them.

Address yourself. For instance, “I feel angry but I will not let anger destroy my future; him leaving me pregnant is not the end of my life.”

This is an exercise that a good therapist can walk you through, so consider getting one.

Be alert to the fact that stewing in negativity will only make your situation worse. As much as he will continue with his life, don’t let your life end because of the actions of a selfish man. Remember, depression is a possibility in a situation where we fail to take responsibility over our lives, and depression makes one incapable of functioning.

I suggest that you get an accountability partner that you can lean on and share your innermost feelings with. Any feelings of hate and aggression that you may feel towards your husband are valid, but you should not wallow in them for long.

You spoke of abortion. Our interpretation of what happens to us in many ways determines what actually happens in future. In moments of adversity like this, your future will be shaped by the choices you make, more than what your husband did to you. I advise that you stop viewing your future based on the past lens of hurt and disappointment. This man is gone, but you have a future ahead of you, and the choices you make will determine what it will look like.

To refocus your life, first, don’t let fear draw you back. When it comes to other people's reactions and opinions, remember that they are just reactions and opinions, and should be treated as such. Second, put a stop to the helplessness you’re feeling right now. You are the only one with the power to rewrite your future. Third, don’t be selfish. Give your unborn child a chance. You just never know who they will turn out to be. Fourth, be sober minded as you gauge which environment will be healthier and will aid you in your recovery process. Finally, isolation will lead to depression. With time, let your parents and key friends be part of your journey of healing and restoration.

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